Ignorance of irresponsibility

                 I was born and brought up in a village in Tamil Nadu, India. I got a loving and caring parents . As a small child I was always crying and disturbing my mom's sleep. She has to keep on swinging my cradle through out the whole night. My father was into handloom and Sago business so he was busy taking care of it. I was talkative as a child and everyone was very fond of me. I was enrolled in a private school and in my kindergarten I was always weeping and saying I want to see my mom. So , mostly I was standing out of the classroom. There I saw an angel in the name of  Alice. She was very kind and loving. When I analyze now I understand that I was very reserved and afraid of crowd and strict teachers.  

                I was unable to understand simple things like seeing time in an analog clock and thought everyone who born before my birth month are elders to me without  considering the year. My parents encouraged me to take part in extra curricular activities.   When I gave my name for a drama in school they didn't enroll me telling that I was not fair and beautiful. This incident made me to feel bitter . I was very sensitive and emotional since my childhood. I was doing well in my academics till my fifth grade, After that I became very lazy and was not interested in studies that much. But  I managed to get good marks but there was no consistency in my academic performance. 

               In Tamil Nadu ,getting good marks in 12th standard is seen as a do or die thing. There was intense pressure to get good marks to get into a good college. I was unable to manage that pressure and most of the time I spent in sleeping.  I grew up in a very protective environment. I rarely interacted with people outside my relative circle. I did my 11th and 12th grade in a girls school where I could be myself. My parents tried their best to give me good coaching. Due to business loss my father became economically weak and he borrowed money to educate me. This made him to have lot of stress and he was unable to sleep. My mom also went through a lot of hardships mentally and emotionally. But both of them hid their difficulties from me thinking that it would disturb my studies. As I was unaware of  all these , I was not that much serious about my studies. 4 months before the 12 th public exam I felt sick and became anaemic .

 

            My mom and dad took all possible means to see what's the problem with my body. The first doctor we saw diagnosed that I have typhoid. He prescribed medicines and asked me to take lot of orange and rice porridge. But this increased my fever. My body temperature was not getting normal. At last I was admitted in a hospital and diagnosed with severe anaemia. This took 2 months of my academic year but I managed to get 1064/1200 in my 12th grade. I got admitted in B.Sc. computer science in PSG Tech. , Coimbatore. But I find the course to be not challenging. Later, I joined 5 years Integrated M.Sc. software in the same college . I found the course to be overchallenging and couldn't manage the pressure it put on me. I was waiting when 2011 would come as it is the final year for my batch. 

          My father was not making any money and my mom worked hard in our farm left by the ancestors. My father's brothers were creating lot of problems to my mom, to make her runaway from our farm so that they can use our  farm too. Without any support from my dad, my mom single handedly managed everything. She worked hard in a hope that I will get a nice job and end our financial miseries. On the other side, I told my dad that I was not  interested in IT field and I would like to write UPSC exam. He told ok and I was so happy thinking that there won't be any pressure in civil services. I had gone through the UPSC syllabus and told my dad that UPSC is easy to crack. My father believed my words and was confident that I would crack the exam.

         I started preparing for the exam without any plan and a good strategy, I thought reading newspaper and mugging up NCERT books is suffice for the exam. I was concentrating only on IAS post and had a greed of scoring full marks in UPSC exam which is totally a stupid idea. I was a day dreamer and a lazy fellow without responsibility which I realized a decade later.  I thought I have to thoroughly go through NCERT books and some prescribed materials to crack IAS exam. I didn't have that burning desire to get into civil services. My parents heard from a future forecaster that your child will crack the exam this year. My parents believed that and asked me to appear for the civil service exam the same year. I told them I haven't prepared for the exam and its just 4 months since I have started preparing. But they forced me to write the exam and I wrote the prelims which I couldn't clear.

        Later I understood we need lot of emotional intelligence and there will be lot of pressure handling tasks in civil services. I  thought my mom and dad life is super happy being a farmer which I thought won't have any pressure. I was not aware of what all problems they were facing as a farmer. I told my parents that I am not interested in writing civil services exam and want to be a farmer like them.

They were shocked by hearing my decision.  At the same time, Our borewell failed and there is only water from another borewell which can be used for household purposes. There is no water for doing farming and our livelihood was affected severally. I couldn't control my tears when our bore failed. I lost my sleep and  was afraid of our future. This fear made me to get acid reflux and whenever some nearby ones drill a borewell  I got too much anxiety thinking our water source underground will be captured by some other farmer.

           I started blaming my dad for the current situation  and I made ruckus as my father is living a carefree life. In my home my mom is the only bread winner at that time as she was taking care of few cows we had with us. I didn't realize  that I too was irresponsible like my father and not making any plan for future. I was so selfish thinking about only my problems and was not supportive to Mom. My father later developed kidney problem and we borrowed money to carry his treatment. The debt kept on piling and our relatives were looking down on us.

          This all happened a decade back and I came to understand running away from any work pressure or problems will lead us to greater problems. My life journey thought me one thing fail or pass face the problem it gives maturity and stay calm the path will open.